But as much as I don’t wanna admit it, I love him. And that’s that. I’m gonna try to see him. Like ASAP. I love him.

A tornado flew around my room before you came excuse the mess it made

It usually doesn’t rain in southern California, much like Arizona

My eyes don’t shed tears but boy they bawl

When I’m thinking about you - ooh no, no, no

I’ve been thinking about you - you know, know, know

I’ve been thinking about you - do you think about me still?

Or do you not think so far ahead? ‘Cause I’ve been thinking about forever.

No I don’t like I just thought you were cool enough to kick it

Got a beach house I could sell you in Idaho

Since I don’t like you, I just think you were cute

That’s why I kissed you

Got a fighter jet I don’t get to fly it though

I’m lying down thinking about you - ooh no, no, no

I’ve been thinking about you - you know, know, know

I’ve been thinking about you - do you think about me still?

Or do you not think so far ahead? ‘Cause I’ve been thinking about forever.

Yes I remember - how could I forget how you feel?

And though you were my first one - a new feel

It won’t ever get old - not in my soul, in my spirit - keep it alive

We’ll go down this road until it turns from color to black and white

Or do you not think so far ahead? ‘Cause I’ve been thinking about forever. 

I used to live by the motto that a break up was called a break up because it was broken. Somewhere along the way I decided that dating guys from relationships past would be a good idea. Whoa. What the fuck was I thinking? Honestly, I did this because it was easy and I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I’m terrified of being vulnerable. And every time I get close to that, I run. Or put up the walls. Or pump the brakes so hard there’s a collision. And not a “crash into me” kind of collision. But instead one that ends in flames and future dismay. The reason I stopped dating these guys is because it was over. The reason I entertain talking to them a second time is because I know it is doomed to fail. This must come to an end. 

Another thing I need to recognize is that sometimes there’s gonna be guys that just aren’t that into me. I’ve been experiencing this more than ever. I wish I could go back to the days where I made no effort to find a guy. Instead I focused on my friendships and my career. I need to get that back. Fuck dating. It just isn’t my thing. I need to be cool with that. Accept that. Fuck. It all goes back to acceptance. Which is apparently my area that needs the most improvement.

It’s time to be honest with myself. No one from the past is going to have a future with me. And no matter what shananigans I pull, if a guy isn’t into me, I need to just put it in the spank bank and move on. No more love games. No more love crimes. No more naive bullshit. I think I need to sit myself down in front of the mirror and face some hard truths. Alone. I never have alone time. I need more. And I need to focus and care about other things than the loser guys I elect to surround myself with.

Close the ex-files. Let go of things that aren’t ever going to happen. Be realistic. Be honest. 

you shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch. i’ve been making entire plans for the farm based on the chickens. i need to take a step back. take a breath and a second glance. you shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch. you shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch. you shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch. one day at a time. see how many chickens are born. then, and only then, should you make plans for the farm. Be a smart farmer. Be a smart farmer. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. 

Bad decisions. We all make them from time to time. But if we are good people with good in our hearts, the bad decisions help shape the future. And thinking in terms of forward motion, the past is over - the future is approaching. And that’s what’s up. 

I need to go after what I want. When I want it. And not being satisfied until I accomplish said goals. And no over-thinking. No good comes from such things. 

Truths.

I won’t fall for any straight guys.

I won’t be mean. As often.

I won’t be satisfied with the status quo.

I won’t over-analyze as much.

I won’t open the ex-files.

I won’t settle when I can do better.

I won’t do anything I do not want to.

Life’s too short. It’s time to do what I want. When I want. And leave worrying about the consequence for tomorrow. Or the next day.

“I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ‘cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn’t stay, wouldn’t put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, ‘Honey, I don’t feel so good, don’t feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,’ he said
‘It’s all in your head,’ and I said, ‘So’s everything’
But he didn’t get it I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ‘cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love”

-Fiona Apple